It's been awhile since my last post, and I have been going through a lot since then. I have also been putting some of the people that I hold dearest to me through Hell for lack of a better term. I have been downright catty at times, and in Philly's words "somewhat b*tchy." Forgive him, he tells it like it is, and sometimes the truth hurts. I have decided that I have several flaws that I am going to begin working on immediately. I have close friends that don't point these flaws out; they just love me for who I am....and I want to apologize to them because sometimes the stuff that comes out of my mouth is absolutely INSANE. I am SO THANKFUL for their love, and friendship, because I know at times it has to be HARD!!!
This brings me to what made me write today. I had a realization today. Granted this realization came while I was picking at my General Tso's chicken and staring aimlessly out the window into the torrential downpour. (I do some of my best thinking, and writing, in the rain...)
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While lost in thought I started recalling some of my high school friendships compared to the friendships I have today...a lot has changed in these friendships, mostly the people...I used to confide in some wonderful friends, who let me mention have all turned into wonderful women, with that being said; I am no longer close with these women, as some have moved away, and others have taken different life paths, but that doesn't keep me from realizing just how much these friendships have helped mold me into who I am today. Remember the statement about the present day friends that don't judge??? Well, these high school friends didn't judge either (At least not to my face ;))....Anyway, the characteristics in these two sets of friends that remains the same is that there is no judgment, there is no looking down on me, and there is not ever a time that I can't call and get the friend I so desperately need.
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Now....if I have friends that aren't judgmental...and I have realized that they are only my friends because they don't judge (because lets face it...I have a lot to judge) then why am I such a judgmental person? That's right, if you didn't know it....I, Heather Cosby, suffer from judgmental disease....
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Okay, lets get down to the nitty gritty....I always have something mean to say...I always have a comment to make, and can always find something that would hurt your feelings if said to your face....I have gotten a few of these hurtful comments on my Facebook statuses back at me as well...I usually laugh it off and act like I don't care, but in reality I am one of the most sensitive, easy to hurt, over dramatic, crybabies that you will ever meet.... Maybe I use the rough judgmental exterior to protect myself...for example, maybe I find something wrong with exhibit A before exhibit A can tear me apart....
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Either way...today is the day that I am bound and determined to change this judgmental problem I suffer from...It's not going to be easy....I have been a mean person for a long time...it's hard to teach an old dog new tricks...but, I am hoping that the biggest thing I can get out of this....for my family and friends' sake as well as mine....but the biggest, most important, most needed thing I can get out of this is to let go of this judgmental thing I have going on and become more of an understanding person...because for whatever reason it is causing me to harbor some serious ANGER!!! Anger that is causing me to take my frustrations out on people that do not deserve it, but more than that, they don't understand what is going on with me...and after awhile, the anger is going to cause me to lose some wonderful people...
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So, in ending this, I say to all of you wonderful readers...don't let go of me yet...I am working on it...it will take time...but please know that I, Heather Cosby, will beat this....I don't want to be mad...I don't want to be mean, but most importantly I want wonderful people in my life to help me with the good times as well as the not so good times...
Happy Thursday, and THANKS for stopping by...
Prayin' for ya in this - sounds like some good stuff to me.. stepping out of denial.. and moving on to trying to change and see the world different, can be hard at times, but I believe you can do it!!
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